I haven’t posted on here…in well…months. Emory is 8 months old and thriving! She is such a blessing.
So why can I not shake this heartache. I feel I haven’t been able to let go of everything that happened, from the initial day my water broke, to the days in the hospital, to the delivery, to the NICU journey. Why can I not heal…let go…move forward. It’s not something I talk about to hardly anyone. It’s in the past so, and I received my miracle so why am I am still “whining” about it. Ugh 😑 These are things I say to myself, imagining people are thinking them of me, even when they may not. Why do I do this…why am I the way I am. I’m angry today. I want to be happy, I want to move past this, but the second I’m trying to take a bath and I hear my child crying after I just laid her down…I run out there to pick her up. My husband thinks I think he’s incapable of taking care of her as I steal her from his hands, but truly it’s me… I’m incapable. I’m incapable of letting anyone care for her if I’m in the room. There were too many missed feedings, holdings, consoling. I wasn’t always there every time she cried. I wasn’t t always there to change her diaper. Sometimes she would still be crying and I would have to leave anyway. Why I couldn’t I just be there 24/7. Why did I leave her… why did I go into labor so soon. It wasn’t supposed to be that way!!!! I feel so much guilt and anger and sadness. Why can’t I let it go!!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I remember people seeing me as strong through the process…but I never actually felt strength. I was weak…God was strong!!!! I know I can over come these feelings I’m having right now, but I almost feel like I’ve forgotten how. I want mental rest, spiritual peace…I don’t want distractions anymore 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏